Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings — Reading Companion

Man was kreated a little lower than the angells and has bin gittin a little lower ever sinse.

The moste oneasy kreetur i ever perused, was a bob tale bull, in fli time.

When a feller gits a goin down hil, it dus seem as tho evry thing had bin greased for the okashun.

I hav known folks whose _calibre_ was very small, but whose _bore_ was very big.

The meanest man i ever nu was the one who stole a suggar whissel from a nigger baby tu sweeten a kup ov rye koffee with.

Pluk is a nise kompound ov pride, vanitee and vartue.

Robbers are like rane, tha fall on the just and the unjust.

We hate those who will not take our advise, and despise them who do.

Moral swashun consis in asking a man tu do what he aught tu do without askin, and then beggin hiz pardon if he refuses tu do it.

I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.

Musick hath charms tu soothe a savage; this may be so, but i wud rather tri a revolver on him fust.

It alwus seemed to me that a left handed fiddler must pla the tune backwards.

I hav often bin told that the best wa iz tu take a "Bull bi the horns," but i think in many instanzes i shud prefer the "tale holt."

The fust law ov natur iz tu steal; the sekund law is tu hide, and the third iz tu--steal agin.

Poverta acts the same onta a man's branes, az exercise dus onto hiz boddy, gives an appetite.

I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.

If the harte iz rite, the hed cant be very rong.

Tha tell me that femails are so skarse, in the far western country, that a grate menny married wimmin are alreddy engaged tu their sekund and third husbands.

N. B. The above remarks are not intended to be personal.

A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.

Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and I suppose thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing, for the last time tew. It is hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what natur haz ramified yu for. Now skriptur will tell yu, that men don't gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's dicktionary. Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion, whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law, or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth. Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee no shuns at auction, both ov them respektuous if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis. The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin. Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly. Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with wind. Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil. If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate frends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy yure elekshun, and then sell yure prinsiples tew git even; if yu kant go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, "What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!" i sa, if yu kant go all this without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an honest living bi cheatin on the square.

Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wigglings ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the govenor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.

It is perfectly astounding how full ov _clever fellows_ the world iz. Yu kan find them almost ennywhere, on the korner ov the streets, reddy tew say, "mi dear fellow how are yu?" and adjourn at onst tew the hotell and take a drink with yu. Yu can find them in the churches, reddy tew slap yu on the back and take yure meazure for a front pew, next tew the Hon. Hannibal Herring Hallibut, Esq., at the lucid figger ov $450 Dollars per year, and a liberal chanse at the contribushun plate, twice evry Sunda. Yu kan find them in the lucky possession ov a blood bay pair ov geldings sired by Casshus M. Klay, and jist refused tu the widder ov a defunk sope biler, at $2700 dollars, but tew yu! confidensially! tew yu!! tha will be placed at $2000. Yu kan find them in nominashun for congress, bland, fond, and peculiar, kneeling tew acksep yure sufrage as limber az a lover, ov the milk weed genus, at the balmorell ov a $30,000 Dollars maiden.--Yu can find them reddy tew indorse yure paper, _yesterday_, for awl the munny in the institushun. Good Lord! Good Lord! how thick tha are. I alwus treat theze fellers kindly, jist az tho i loved them, but i alwus stand in frunt ov them, az i do when i admire a mule. I dont think tha hav az mutch malis az impudense, and sum ov them are so innersent, that i really beleaf tha think tha are honest. I dont think the wurld could git along without theze clever feller, tha ar jist what keep truth above par, and furnish the romanse ov life with a continual freshness. I sa, long live theze clever fellers! and when tha die, if tha kan manage tew wiggle themselves into the better land, i am the last man who will desire to step on their tales.

God save the phools! and don't let them run out, for if it want for them, wise men couldn't get a livin.

Sum peoples branes are located in their heds.

We are told "that there want ennything maid in vain," but i hav thought that awl the time spent in manufakturing striped snaix, and muskeeters, waz wasted.

If thare waz nothing but truth in this wurld, a fool would stand just as good a chanse az a wize man.

True perlitenes consists in being anxus about the welfair ov uthers; false perliteness consists in being verry anxus about nothing.

Robbers are like rain, tha fall on the just, and the unjust.

If a man iz az wize az a sarpent, he can afford to be as harmless as a dove.

We are ap tu hate them, who wont take our advise, and despize them who do.

It iz dredful eazy tew be a phool--a man kan be one and not know it.

Real happiness dont consiss so mutch in what a man dont hav, az it duz, in what he dont want.

Fear iz the fust lesson larnt, and the laste one forgotten.

Noboddy but a phool, gits bit twise bi the same dog.

ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.

Josh Billings wants it respekfully understood that, tho hiz duta az sensor ov a vartuous press ockasionally kauses him tew lite onto sum contributors at a high rate ov speed, he dus it, not out ov malis tu those who rite, but thru grate luv and tribulashun for thoze who read:

"_I Hear an Angell Whispre_," by _Clemantha_.--Theze lines contain more poeckry, and less truth. The fact is, Angells don't whispre, if tha hav got enny thing tew sa, tha sa it rite out loud. Tri agin, Clemantha; rite onto kontentment, or happiness, or sum sich subjec, that haint never bin rit onto.

"_Slavery, ordained ov God_," _bi A. D. P._--This produckshion we cant accept. We are bound in our insuranse polisy not tew hav on hand "enny article extra hazardus on akount ov fire," and we don't want tu be struk bi litenin, nor sent tu purgatory, and looze our insurance besides. Furthermore, writers must giv us their names in full; A. D. P. mite stand for _A. D--m Phule_, and we aint a doing enny bizness with them kind not if we are credibly informed.

"_On Pisgers nobil hites i stood, communin with our ansesters_," _bi Clarense_.--Blank varse, bi grashus! If my memry dont fule me, this iz the same spot whare Noer stood, with the Ark previously. We aint mutch on blank varse, but think we smel a rat. We hav sent the peace tew the "Kommitty on forrin relashuns," and if tha sa the peace iz on the square, it will be published, ackompanied with a full sized 3 dollar puff.

"_Epitaff on a friend_," _bi Emeline Parsons_.--Epitaffs are played out with us. We continu tew publish them, at 25 cents ahed, az we du deth and weddings, and dont hold ourself resposible for truth or damage. We luv tu enkurage genius tho, and advise Emeline Parsons tu diet, and keep her hand in bi riteing for the Nu York Leger.

"_Essa on Hurrykanes_," _bi Tempest Jun'_.--Wil appear jist az soon az the hurrykane softens down a little. This writer handles a hurrykane the best we ever see it did. Hiz deskripshun resembles chain litening quietly. He maiks the grate oaks tew wiggle lik mad sarpents, and the roks tew bile and bust open, and the hole arth tew rumbil az tho it had the kolick. This writer could git up a ghost that would be wurth having. Tempest Jun' will pleze send us his photergraff, we want a personal intervu.

A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA ON MAN.

Man iz a problem not yet solved, made out ov dirt, and smells ov the material. He waz kreated a little lower than the angells, and haz bin gittin a little lower ever sinse. He waz given a butiful hum, clus tew the borders ov heaven, the fruit and the flower waz planted for him, and the sweet waters were led along hiz futpath, birds sung onla for him, and woman was bilt tew make hiz joy komplete. The lam laid her hed on the lion's buzzum, and the viper knu not ov his sting. The winds waz tempered with soft fragranse, and awl things had onla the soul ov innersence in them. Guile there waz none, fear there waz none, even hope thare waz none, for thare waz nothing tew want. This waz butiful tew behold, but it didn't prove enny thing, but the kindness ov God. Could the arth be peopled? could the oseans be crossed? could the forest be chopped down? could sittys be built? could enny boddy be made tew work when thare waz nothing to hope for and nothing tew want? Man waz created tew govern a world ov ruggidness, and he couldn't dew it bi being as harmless as a dove; he must hav a touch ov a good sized sarpent in him, or he would has lived, he and hiz wife, growing butiful and useless, forever, in the Garden ov Eden. Man never waz bilt for the Garden ov Eden; he waz onla put thare tew see its buty, but not tew enjoy it till he had arnt it; not tew liv thare untill a weary round had bin paced. Eden waz hiz kradle, Eden was the pla ground ov hiz yung Adamhood, and under hiz vine and fig treeze waz hiz old age tew be gathered. How menny ov the countless millions, who hav gone forth from the pearly gate ov the garden hav ever entered agin? Sum few, perhaps hav got back, weary and worn, sum few hav got back within sight ov its glory, and sleep thare, but legions lay whare they hav fell az far from their hum az wandering feet could carry them; and man after 5,000 years ov birthrite tew awl the glora ov heaven, and arth, iz az mutch ov a problem az ever. If he governs the arth--if the lightnings obey him--if art iz the monark ov natur, and if even the angels are at times tempted tew admire him, strugling with the sarpent, iz he not, at this day, a moste magnificent failure? kan he, who haz governed so mutch, that even angels would shudder tew attack, can he govern _himself_. This iz the problem. It iz but a step from the furtherest grave tew the garden ov Eden, but how few will take it. We awl know the wa back tew the kradle ov Eden. We awl long tew be thare asleep, but if God dont take us in hiz arms, az froward children are taken, how few thare will be, who will ever git hum. Man iz the problem, God iz the solution.

"Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses!"

Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses. I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannerys. The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples. I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarys abreast.

The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in. I asked a gentleman present, who ced he waz a reporter for "The Yung Man's Christian Gide," if he knew what the poplashun ov the plase definitely waz, and he ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew onst. Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mexed natur, i santered down tu where the rase koarse waz.

I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun. The judge's stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.

Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss, about 10 days ago. Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, "she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minister," and then tha both laffed. I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan." The uther hoss waz a red hoss, rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz "Juise Harp."

The hosses both cum up tew the skore in the immejiate visinity ov each uther, and got the wurd tew go, the fust time. The gra mare waz druv bi "Dave Larkin," and the hoss was handled bi "Ligh Turner." Tha trotted sublimely, az clus az the Siamese twins; the mare with her hed hi up and her noze full ov winde; the hoss waz stretched out tite, like a chalk line; tha passed the haf mile pole simultaneously, time, 2 minnits. Now the kontost becum exsiting, "Dave" hollered, and "Ligh" yelled--on tha kum, the mare gru higher, and the hoss gru longer--tha make the last turn tew onst--tha look like a dubble team--the exsitement grows more intensely--the crowd sways to and fro--the ox cart trembles--tha cum! tha cum! sich shouting, sich yelling, sich swearing, sich chawing terbacker, waz never herd before; the mare iz ahed!--no, the hoss iz ahed! 'tis even, 'tis a ded hete, tha pass the ox-kart--the hoss wins bi 3 quarters ov an inch, time 4 minnits lacking 2 seckunds.

The bosses ar surrounded bi a crowd ov men, wimmin, and children. Each party are sanguinary ov suckces. The bettin iz 2 quarts ov whiskee to anything, on the red hoss. At this junktare the gentleman, reporter for the Young Man's Christian Gide, propozed tew bet 75 cents that the mare wud win the nex heat; i tuk the proposishun forthwithly, and the steaks, bi mutual consent, was placed in mi hat and sot under the kart, and here let me stait, before i forget it, that i haint saw the steaks nor the hat sinse.

The hosses both sho signs ov distress. The gra mare's ears hang down the side ov her hed, like two wet rags, and the hoss rests his tale on the ground. Tha go slola bak tew the distanse pole, and cum up agin tew the skore, az tho tha waz yoked together. Awa tha go; the hoss a leetle ahed. The hoss leads tew the haf mild pole in 2:30. On the bak stretch, "Dave" went at the mare with hiz long purswader; she trots like litening, she passes the hoss! no! she busts! she busts! and befour "Dave" cud flatten her down tew her work, she broke from the trak and trotted clean up tew her hips in the krambery mash. The hoss cum in awl alone, trotting fast, and so clus down, that 2 feet ov his tale dragged on the ground. Time ov this heat, not fur from 5 minnits. "Juise Harp" winning, bi a quarter ov a mild. Thus ended the grate rase at "Sulphur Flats." I immejiately started on foot for "Jamaka Rum four corners," bare headed, but fully impressed that, tho men, and even whiskee mite deteryoate, the breed ov hosses must begin tew improve in that seckshun ov the kuntry in a fu dais.

'GIV THE DEVIL HIZ DUE.'