Kai! Reflection can be painful sometimes. Like right now. I’m resenting my compulsion to ever so often enter my head and ruminate on all sorts of things that dredge up all sorts of emotions, most of the time unwanted ones. Today, the dominant emotion is regret.

I know only too well how they say one should never regret anything and all the motivational and empowerment reasons that go with it, but forgive me if this day I cannot help it. So I’m writing a long-ass apology, to myself.

First I’m sorry that I was born female and not male. That I don’t have a bulge in my groin that commands a certain level respect from society just because it’s there. I’m sorry that I’ve had to work thrice as hard as my male contemporaries to garner the same order of recognition.

I’m sorry that I was never a model pupil, student or scholar. I never aced any subject or courses except English language. I’ve never been the first one to be noticed across the room, never been the prettiest, sexiest or most popular. I’m sorry that my legs are short stumps of flesh and bone, my face plain featured.

I’m sorry that I repeated in secondary school, because Math didn’t let let me go. Sorry that I couldn’t be one of the wunderkind species when it came to Math. Sorry that I’ve never been named the best at anything under heaven.

I’m sorry that it took me thirty years to come into my own, to know myself, to understand life as much as the universe would allow me, and to loathe mediocrity so much, that the thought of it makes me gag. I’m sorry because it didn’t have to take thirty years.

I’m sorry I didn’t fall in love with God early on. I was so hung up on finding love that I ignored for far too long, the essence of love Himself. Because of this, I cheated myself for too long, from experiencing the most fulfilling, liberating, empowering kind of love there is.

I’m sorry that I’ve lived very carefully, almost like I was afraid of life or the loss of it. I didn’t know, you see, that the very thing you are afraid to lose is the thing that you will lose, more often than not.

I’m sorry that I’ve cared too much what the world thinks. I have wanted too much the approval of the world and its standards, which is nothing but the biggest sham ever.

I’m sorry that I’m not a virgin. Sex is very much overrated, you see, and in my opinion, is an exercise one should partake in only with THE ONE. That way you never get to bother your head with all the cons just waiting to rear their ugly heads. I’m sorry I had to engage in it to realize this.

I’m sorry I’ve not given enough – of my money or myself. The world is in need of too many things, and there are too few people who know this, and even fewer who care to do anything about it.

This is a long list of “sorries”, but it’s shown me something. I may not be Miss Congeniality, but if there was ever a pageant for depth and soul, I would be Queen over and over.

There may not be a bulge between my legs, but I command the respect of a majority of those who have that bulge, within my hemisphere.

It’s taken me thirty years, but I finally have come into my own, I know and understand me, and life. Today, I’ve given up world standards and created some of my own, and I daresay I’ve got followers too. To this end, personal responsibility is my life motto, and that’s never going to change.

Also, romantic love is great, but it’s no longer a definition to aspire to. I have the greatest love in the world – love for God and love for self, and I’m sorry but that’s more than enough to make me happy.

It’s also struck me that I can no longer be termed mediocre. I’ve watched employers and friends give commendation for work done, sometimes just for comments and insight given, like the thing was going out of fashion.

So yeah, I’m sorry for all of those things, but I’m not sorry one bit for where they’ve led me. For who I’ve become today, and for the clarity of the vision of the woman I’m becoming everyday.


Written by Urigi