So today I was scrolling through my Facebook timeline, and someone had posted an excerpt from an Oprah interview or something, I don’t know. I’ll try to look for it and post it on here. Anyway, Oprah was talking about how you’re responsible for your life (yeah, I know I say it all the time) and how important this truth is to personal growth. Then she said something that struck me, but you’ll just have to wait till I post it, can’t tell you everything. But then, it triggered my writing radar.
It’s my birthday today, and all day the video’s been playing in my head who I was barely three years ago. While I was in the shower just a few minutes ago, the movie in my head got really overwhelming, and I just had to write. So I’m back in my room, sitting at my spanking new desk, popping the occasional Oreo in my mouth, Fred Hammond’s Lost in You Again on serious repeat, and I press play, mentally of course.
Who was I three years ago? Let’s see…my name would be Disillusion. Gross Disillusion. Nothing was working. Nothing. I’m not an orphan, but all I could lay claim to that had any value, was God. If you don’t understand it, don’t try to rationalize it. If you’ve never been there, don’t pretend to know what I’m talking about.
Who was i? I was freshly dumped from my almost wedding. It was like the world dumped me with the guy, because I was getting rejection from every quarter, no kidding. I’d bid for jobs, they’d approve my bid, and drop me a few days later. I’m painting a really grim picture, I better stop.
But no, people need to know this thing. I was lost. There was a hole in the core of my person that I badly needed to fill, and I was smart enough to know that only God could help me, but I was too simple to know how. I was alone, yet surrounded by blood and water. I was broke as hell, and I didn’t know why I was here. I made money in trickles, no droplets, and it was only for survival. I was born deep, so I badly was looking for depth, and I was searching, and like this singer on repeat, in that search I found pain, heartache, drama, etcetera. Everything but the thing I really wanted, which I couldn’t even name at the time. I wasn’t even writing, which is code for I wasn’t really living, merely existing.
Then I attended a young people’s programme in church, which I never do, but I did this time. I came late because of my reluctance to mingle with people younger than I was (see me forming grandma, there were people way older than me at the meeting o) and I remember that the whole place was packed full, so I stood for a while, go tired of it, then went to lean on a short fence. I think I was dozing sef, when I heard the pastor shout, “You are personally responsible for your life.” He got me there, and from that moment, held me spellbound till he was done. I didn’t know it then, but that statement would become my life mantra, and it is now, and will always be.
If you’re in a good place in your life, you know what you’re about. You’re conversant with passion and vocation, you’re neither alone nor lonely, nobody will ever look at you and call you a failure, you’ve attained relevance (because we all must, we’re not made to be irrelevant), please be grateful. But if there’s any chance you’re like me, lost in the maze abi vortex of the complexity called life, this is for you. I’m not a celebrity, there’s really no other reason for putting my business out there, but to reach out to someone.
I know it sounds easier than it really is. Like, “why are you telling me my life is my responsibility? Of course it is. I’m trying my best, I’m handling my business.” Too true. But is there a chance that maybe you need to own your life more? Like, wake up, smell the cookie and tell yourself that see, getting the hell out of this maze is up to me and only me. And if I die here, then I am a failure only because I chose to die here. No matter how much help we think we need, from God and everyone else, the bulk of the work rests on our shoulders, and there’s no dodging it. Even God’s arms will stay folded until this awakening happens.
I cried last night, just from looking back. It’s amazing how far you can go, if you defy odds, push like crazy, refuse to stay knocked down, hate mediocrity worse than the devil, seize every opportunity, and decide to die pushing. You’re a winner, I know you’ll win. I’m rooting for you.
Look at me. I’m different now. My name has gone from Disillusioned to Passionified. Sought After. I’m still lost, but in a different maze. One I want to stay lost in forever. The maze that has God at the end of it. God. Fount from which my creativity flows. Source of my passion. Ultimate Lover. The One. And even though I’m not there yet, believe me when I say that I own my journey. Every single twist and turn of it. And you can too.
First, take responsibility. Whatever happened in the past is your responsibility. Whatever lurks in the future is your responsibility too. And you don’t just owe it to yourself, you owe it to the thousands of lives that are connected to you, whether you realize it or not, whether you have identified them or not. This is my birthday 2kobo to you.
Be great, always